Delete the "Train Wreck Option"!

I know a woman (who is part wolf) named Lisa. She is a poet, amongst other sparkly things. She wrote the piece below and it moved me. Like, you know when you look at your reflection and realize something (aha!) that makes you suddenly be the reflection looking out?

I call it a 180°, a flip of perspective. A lens change. That is how I know anything is good; movies, books, blogs, poems... (Is that self-centred? Likely...)

Please read it with an open heart and mind.

What is your "Train Wreck" story that you keep retelling yourself?

Sick of it yet?

________________________________________________

Train Wreck Option

You know where the train leads.

This is an old story.

It’s headed over a cliff

will catch on fire somewhere along the way

the doors will lock and the ceiling will melt

and you will be stuck inside.

A runaway train heading over a cliff

is not a pretty sight to behold

and eventually you will burst into flames.

Still, you get on board

each and every time

only to crawl your way out of the overturned wreckage

a little bruised and battered and worn

as if you have accomplished something.

Does staying alive

count as talent?

Does it take genius

to burst into flames

and still be around to talk about it?

Why do it?

One day a monk appears out of nowhere

asking you these questions.

He has sad eyes.

and must be a hundred years old.

You say,: because I hate myself that much.

Or, you say: because I thought if I burst into flames I could change something.

Or, maybe you say: if I destroy myself enough times maybe I will forgive myself one of those times.

At this point the monk smiles and yawns

and looks at his watch and says:

this is a boring story.

He walks away.

Just like that.

All of a sudden you can not stand

the sound of this story anymore either.

Not even one more time.

So you write a new story.

It takes a long time

because the old story

has a way

of slipping back in

when you’re not looking

and you must be careful

not to allow the old story to take over again.

You persevere.

You write many many drafts.

Finally you cancel the train wreck option completely.

And a new world opens up.

_______________________________________________

Lisa Shatzky

The Bells that Ring (2017)

Is your 'Train Wreck' an unhealthy relationship? Over-eating? Addiction? Mood swings? Lack of energy? Struggling to focus? Hyper-focusing on the 'wrong' things? Can't keep your mouth shut? Can't keep up with cleaning?

They're mine.

All of those ...and many more. I get on so many trains every day, and some of them crash and burn. Every. Day.

I'm going to listen to Lisa. I'm going to write a new story. My new story is about authenticity.

It's about tearing off the armour I've been gathering for years to protect myself. It's about being myself in EVERY environment, despite the vulnerability and risk of not being liked. (thank you, Brene Brown).

The characters in my new story are similar by their uniqueness. I'm going to surround myself with my people, my tribe ~ the weird, non-judgmental types, the millions of other ADHDers. You?

In my story we're going to hold each other up. We're going to lean on each other and feel normal in our awesome weirdness! We're going to see the world through lenses of love.

The other key to writing a story is a good setting.

Where and when does my story take place? Here and now. What goes and what stays?

The first part of this story started before I read Lisa's poem. In order to feel authentic, the new story required that I leave my teaching job of 18 years.

It was choking me!

I had to be 'Ms.Sanhedrai' each day from 8am to 5pm, before going home and being 'Mom', 'Tammy', 'sister', 'daughter', and 'wife', all while trying to grade and prepare work for the next day. All I had left after faking being an organized, together person all day was, well, very little. My family got the scraps. What did that look like? Not pretty. There were tears and there was a short fuse.

Oh, and I had to hide my ADHD symptoms. All of them. All day. Every day.

And it finally caught up.

I was tired. If all I had to do was hide my ADHD, that would've been enough to knock me out. Forget working!

My new story has started. It's time to write the plot.

I still don't have a healthy relationship with everyone in my family, I still over-eat, I still have my addictions, mood swings, focus issues, a messy house, and a big mouth.

Remember what Lisa wrote: "You write many many drafts."

And now, after years of feeling alternating waves of over-achievement/catatonia, a whole bunch of new energy to face and delete my Train Wreck options has emerged.

Thank you for the inspiration, Lisa.

TS