Barking Hurts

Barking = Pain; it’s basic math, so why don’t people empathize when I Bark?!

Let’s back up. Barking is the verb I use to describe how I have been known to communicate to my family and, occasionally, to my closest friends when I’m overwhelmed. This usually coincides with late/missed meds, sleep-deprivation, dehydration, hunger, or when I am premenstrual/hormonal - essentially, lacking in some basic need.

You know what I mean, like, “Why does EVERYONE in this house leave ALL their clothes ALL OVER THE FLOOR?! The house-keeper is OFF today!!!!” (and realizing right after that most of the clothes on the floor were mine…ahem.)

Woof. We don’t have a house-keeper. That would be me.

After a typical Barking Session, my brain becomes very LOUD with guilt, shame and negative self-talk. I get very tired and I often cry or isolate myself. I ask myself, “Why don’t my loved ones HUG and nurture me afterwards when I crash?” I’ve concluded it’s the same reason why a person’s boss may not empathize with a hangover after the employee is late for work. The boss doesn’t say “Oh you poor thing! You must have been in a great amount of pain to drink too much in the first place! And now you have a headache! Aaaand you have to work? How’s about a nap instead? Let’s have a hug, you poor thing!”.

Ya, no.

Not unlike me, my family are a sensitive bunch and have been offended and hurt by my Barking, and they have communicated that they prefer my company when I am Not Barking.

So, in order to reduce my canine-like behaviours, I decided to be a detective, to try and understand WHY I Bark.

Upon further investigation, my first line of thinking was: WHO CAN I BLAME for my bitchy behaviour?

Without blinking I could think of 5 people. This kind of communication is prominent in my family. No-brainer.

But why do they do it? Legacy? Is that the only reason why, or...should I…here comes…. LOOK WITHIN?

I set out to observe this relationship-destroying behaviour in myself, and started to pay attention to the triggers, which is how I discovered the connection between meeting basic needs (sleep, food, bowel movement, water...etc.) and Barking. Figuring this out alone reduced my outbursts greatly, and I asked myself, could I prevent these behaviours altogether by taking care of my physical body?

No, as it turns out.

After trying this, the Barking definitely reduced, and temporarily disappeared, but came back soon after.

Plan B. Investigate how I FEEL when I bark. Can you guess? Like sh*t. Angry. Indignant. A victim. Then ashamed, defensive, oppositional and guilt-ridden.

Through my past self-work on ANGER, I learned and have come to believe that anger is NOT a real emotion! Rather, it’s a MASK for emotions that are too hard to feel.

Specifically, fear and sadness; aka, PAIN. I did the math.

Anger = Pain and Anger = Barking

Therefore…

BARKING = PAIN!

Tada! Simple math.

I know! I’ll just TELL my family what I discovered about myself, and when I bark next time, they will understand that I am in some kind of pain (physical or emotional) and all I need is (insert: a snack, a nap, my meds…) and they will hug me and make me a nice warm cuppa! Then I’ll stop barking!

Ya, no.

See, they also have ADHD and they forget. Every time. Even when I Bark, “OBVIOUSLY I’M BARKING BECAUSE I’M IN PAIN!!! YOU SHOULDN’T GET MAD AT ME!!!”, it does no good!

For some reason no one brings me coffee…nobody says, “Tammy, you sit down and put your legs up. We’ll clean up.” Hmmmm?

Luckily, I do have control over reducing the frequency and intensity of my Barks. I can do this by getting enough sleep, drinking enough water, going to the bathroom (even if I’m hyper-focusing on my next blog), and meeting other important needs. It’s been improving, although I still have my moments.

These moments are connected to my ADHD. I forget to go to sleep until 2am on some nights, and I sometimes forget to eat until about 4:30pm. I sometimes forget to be mindful.

Is there more I can do? This is what I had to say to myself. Practice. Practice. Practice. Because PRACTICE makes PROGRESS.

Either that or it’s my parent’s fault.